People love automotive-based “reality TV”… or, at least what they THINK “reality” is in this business. And I know, we all rant about this, but give me a minute, and you’ll see that my new show pitch is every bit as unique as the people who ruin this business every day.
The working title is “Getting Your Name Out There”. Catchy as fuck, I know.
In it, I’ll be followed around by a camera crew, as I show you the stereotypical view of what I do every day, from sitting by the phone, just HOPING that the call will come in for some last-minute job to design a “ground-breaking, red-with-black-rally-stripes pro-touring Camaro on Forgelines”, or even the rarest of the rare, a C-10 Chevy that’s patina’d, and will get slammed on some smoothie wheels. Those are like, well, mind-blowingly creative. To think that finding the shittiest-looking truck and leaving the body alone is “cool”, well, it’s nothing at all like the guy who puts $3500 rims on his $400 Altima. It’s totally different. How people come up with THOSE ideas, I’ll never know.
Oh, the show… The big “reality” catch, though, is how I’m hoping to draw this shit FOR FREE, in all of my “SPARE TIME”. You see, I’ll score a deal with the mortgage company, where they’ll let me have the house for free, as long as my name is “out there” (read as: “Mentioned once at a cruise night to the vehicle owner’s wife, but as “That Bill or Bruce guy”). If it hits a magazine (cue Stimpy voice: “Oh, JOOOOYYYY!!!!”), I get a free car, and all expenses for my children paid for the year.
“But what about food and clothing?” you ask?
Oh, children… we artists and designers don’t eat. There is simply no time! We have to rush out your lame-ass, last-minute, “gee, the email must have been lost” or other excuse project! We fully understand that with the car show in less than two weeks, that you need a t-shirt, or signage… Because that’s how “professionalism” is described: “Wait until the last minute because your dumb ass was on a bunch of forums and Facebook, wasting time hyping your third-rate work, and now it’s GOT to be someone else’s responsibility to make all of your dreams come true. After all, YOU are far too busy to be bothered. Find an artist or designer to blame!”
Clothing? No worries. That free sample tee with my art on it, that you sent with the check that bounced? My family takes turns wearing it when each of us heads out in public. I mean, we can’t all go at once, as it would not only leave the rest of us naked, but if they’re seen with me, the throngs of fans will mob us, as my name is so well known from your buddy’s blog feature on your project, which credited incorrectly as another artist. But they know. Because my style is unique, even though there’s three guys copying it over and over.
The greatest part, though, is that we’ll film it in “Perceived Artist Timeflow” (patent pending, should you be some shit looking to hit Shark Tank with the idea), wherein the show will have a timer, illustrating how my day as a creative flows differently. For example, while a non-artist may have 24 hours, my day, if it flowed like theirs, would be equivalent to roughly 96 hours, plus “Sleep Time”. However, when I’m pushing to do your “Ah, shit, bro, I totally know we discussed this, but I need it tomorrow!” job, time actually STOPS, allowing me to do your work, PLUS the other paying gigs, PLUS all of the family things that you might need to do (and tell me about, while explaining just how my kids will “understand”).
I will be just like real life, and the drama will come in the form of good-natured horseplay, where we throw thousands of dollars in supplies at one another, and laugh about the great times we’ve had being used-up by self-centered fucktards. And I haven’t even gotten to the part where I’ll have plastic surgery to remove the smile from my face, and then hang out with some celebrity while I recover, scoring job to design her new mobile salon/food truck/adopt-a-child/pet-rescue vehicle.
For free, of course. Anything to “get my name out there”. (cue wink and sparkly teeth filter; credits)